I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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