I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
