So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
