the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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