my phone needs a breathalizer
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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