woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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