No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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