The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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