there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
