i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
