I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
