You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
