how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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