6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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