I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Randomize