My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
