Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
