apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
