update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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