Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
