Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
