Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
