shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
