then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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