her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
