So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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