Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
