Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
