HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
