he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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