is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize