I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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