literally had 100 drinks last night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
