My cat gives me a boner
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
