dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
