I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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