I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
