just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
