My hand turned me down
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
