went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
