Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
