I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
