I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Everclear isn't food dammit
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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