fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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