I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
