There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
