I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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