I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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