ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
