I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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