i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
