He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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