What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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