Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
