i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
