just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
