I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
