Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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