If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
