Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
