Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
