We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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