i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
foreskin is a definite game changer
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
