There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
