to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
