I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
