I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
