Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
